Healing perfectionism = healing how you treat yourself

Healing perfectionism, people pleasing, burnout, procrastination, anxiety, depression, and all the physical conditions, needs to include how you see and treat yourself.

The problem is that as a child you never learnt how to treat yourself kindly, you only learnt that when you do certain things, like getting good grades or helping people, you get praised, you are called a good girl. That made you feel good so you did more of that, until it overpowered you, the real you, and being perfect became the most important thing.

Maybe you don't use the word perfect, maybe you just see it as how you are meant to be. Maybe you don't think you are good enough to be called a perfectionist. You probably aren't totally aware of how perfectionism, and the belief that you are not good enough, has led to behaviours like people pleasing and procrastination, or feeling anxious and depressed, or even the physical symptoms you have that just don't seem to be getting any better.

I was not aware either until I was diagnosed with Perfectionism-related Depression. I thought; what the fuck is that?! Then I began to test and experiment, under the guidance of a cognitive behavioural therapist, as well as a bodymind coach. What happens when my clothes aren't colour coordinated in the cupboard or drawer no one looks in? What happens if I did make something that tasted bad? What would happen if I didn't clean every single bottle in my make-up cupboard before tidying them and just tidied them instead?

Do you know what happened?

Relief, ease, acceptance, less stress, less self-hatred, less tasks on a never-ending to-do list!

Healing perfectionism is not about being a slob, being messy, being mediocre, or settling for less. Healing perfectionism = healing how you treat yourself!

It is not about never being wrong or not failing. It is about how you treat yourself when you inevitably do. Because you will make a mistake, you will fail, you will be judged! But if you add to that with self-hatred how are you ever going to learn that it is okay to make a mistake. It is okay to be HUMAN.

I completely understand how it must feel to read this knowing that you have been judged and abandoned for not being perfect. So, it only makes sense for you to do the same and expect more perfection from yourself.

You might even think it was easy for me, or that I didn't have strict parents, or there was less pressure on me. This is not about who has had it worse, or whose capable of healing or not. We are ALL capable of healing, and making changes that benefit us. Whether we decide to do that or not is dependent on how badly you want and need your life to change.

When you stop outsourcing your worth, relying on others for kindness and acceptance, and no longer allow fear to hold you back from living your life the way you deserve to, then you create space for healing. You allow yourself to be the parent you never had, you give your inner child the safety and security you wish you felt, you give yourself permission to be human. Flaws and all!

Learning to accept yourself as you are or seeing that you are inherently worthy, or being authentic and vulnerable, certainly does not happen overnight!

It takes work, it is hard, it can get lonely, it is triggering. And this is why you need the support of a coach, a therapist, friends and family too (if possible).

I can keep telling you that you are good enough, but the truth is unless you start putting that into practice you will never believe it. They are just empty words. This needs to come from yourself. You need to show yourself, and your inner child, that you do think you are good enough, and you do see that you are trying your best.

So where can you begin with this?

How can you start to undo years of social conditioning?

Give yourself a little bit of time every day to have some "me time". Whether that is in the morning or evening, or the middle of the day, find what works for you. There is so much advice out there about having a morning routine where you need hours to prepare for the day or an evening routine that "helps" you wind down for bed but ends up being just another task on that to-do list.

You don't need hours, you don't need TO DO anything, just find some time for yourself every day, 5 minutes minimum. In this time you can find a way to connect with yourself, through praying or meditation, through movement or yoga, through skincare, or journaling, or drawing, or reading, or sitting and enjoying a cup of tea.

The possibilities are endless because this is not about what I think you should do, but about what YOU LIKE TO DO! What is it you wished you had more time for? What do you enjoy? How can you give yourself a little bit of joy, connection, and love?

My routine is different every day, I tried the hour of journaling, exercising, reading, meditating. It was great some days, others not so much. Instead of feeling like something I enjoyed it felt like a chore, something I HAD to do. Now I wake up and give myself time to do things a little slower, perhaps I stretch or do tai chi, maybe I will read while oil pulling, maybe I will go for a walk.

Trying to force yourself to go from no routine to a full on hour or so is not sustainable, and most importantly until you let go of the need to be perfect all you are going to end up doing is try to have a perfect routine every day and then berate yourself when you can't keep it up.

So take 5 minutes to begin with and choose something you like doing, or feel like doing, this does not have to be the same everyday. Just allowing yourself to have some time for yourself is a huge first step!!

It is a way to say that you love yourself enough to give something to yourself - time!

Yes journaling is great, meditation is amazing, exercise and movement is very important, but you cannot go from nothing to EVERYTHING. This is not about having the perfect routine, doing all the things you "should" be doing. This is about learning ways to be more self accepting and less judgemental.

When you are able to be more free in how you spend your me-time, you realise that it isn't so much about what you do but how you treat yourself.

Going back to the beginning of this blog:

Healing perfectionism = healing how you treat yourself

It is not a tick box situation, it is not an overnight fix. It is undoing years of social conditioning. It is dismantling the patriarchal beliefs you have, even if you don't realise it, about what it means to be a woman. It is about creating time for you to ENJOY life, not work hard and serve others.

Every time you choose yourself you are saying "Fuck the patriarchy!"

So, start choosing yourself!