You feel like you always have to be put together and that when you make a goal it needs to be achieved - immediately and perfectly! You are constantly on the go and you keep giving, doing, perfecting. What choice do you have when you were taught to aim for perfection at all times, in all areas of your life! Your mind never stops, you lie awake ruminating over what you did wrong, what could go wrong, and that “mistake” you made years ago that no one but you remembers anymore.
Those comfortable silences have always felt uncomfortable for you.
Your boundaries are non-existent and you’re exhausted! Of course you can’t say “No”, you’re the “good girl”! You have such depths of emotion and yet you hide it, afraid to burden others, to push them away by being too much, afraid that you aren’t enough just the way you are.Your self-image is so distorted that you cannot see who you really are. You rely on external validation so much that you are constantly criticising yourself.
You have probably never considered that perfection is an unattainable concept, created by the capitalist society we live in to make people, like you, work hard constantly! After all, you were taught by your parents, teachers, and community that to be loved and accepted you have to behave a certain way; strong, reliable, polished, high-functioning - have the best job, be the perfect friend, fix everyone else’s problems for them.
_edited_edited.png)
_edited.png)
You were never once taught that you could love and accept yourself.
How do I know all this?
​
Because I was just like you!
I never felt good enough. I always felt there were people smarter, prettier, funnier, better than me. I did not know what was unique about me because I kept trying to be someone else’s version of the “perfect person”.
I was always sick, I was always in pain. Everyone called me weird all the time. I was always giving my time and energy away; to studying, to other people, to trying to be “normal”, whatever that means. I was exhausted!
And I still pushed myself to get three degrees; even though I didn’t need to, to get a respectable job; even though it was draining me, to have an active social life; even though I was just numbing myself. The only reason I stopped is because I had to, my body couldn’t keep going. Slowing down felt like failure. Like weakness. Like I was letting someone down, maybe everyone, maybe just myself.
​
I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, insomnia, anxiety, and so many others - it felt like I was trying to collect them all! It wasn’t until I was diagnosed with perfectionism-related depression that something clicked - perfection is a bad thing?!
​​
Apparently no, it is not a bad thing. It just isn’t a real, attainable, tangible thing!
I started going to regular therapy, had CBT specifically to address perfectionism and I had coaching. These three women really helped me to start seeing myself. Being aware of my beliefs and conditioning allowed me to let them go, to let perfectionism go, and with that people pleasing, burning myself out, and being terribly anxious all the time. I started to see how unique I was and stopped comparing myself to everyone else. I became aware of who I actually am underneath the performances!
I was able to see how perfectionism affected my life. I spoke to myself with judgement and rejection. I criticised myself constantly and I would only do things if I could do them perfectly. This hindered my creativity, I was always a creative person and perfectionism took that away. The fear of learning something new and making a mistake was so huge it was paralysing. Learning to finally let go of all that and lean into my creative side really helped me to let go of this idea that I must be perfect at all times.
Getting to know who I really am, building self compassion and trust, and actually taking care of myself has completely changed how I talk to myself.
I love me!
And I tell myself everyday.
This is how I want you to feel about yourself.
That is why I help women who are where I was; burnt out, high achieving, people pleasers who do everything for everyone else and nothing for themselves. Women like you.
Perfectionism makes you feel like you are not good enough, that you are not worthy, and that you don’t deserve love unless you hustle for it. You compare yourself to everyone else. So worried what people are thinking of you that you never think about yourself. Self care seems so selfish, I mean how many face masks is it going to take for you to feel worthy?!
​
Self care is not face masks and shopping sprees, bubble baths and a glass of vino, or mani-pedi’s. Self care is caring about yourself like you care for other people. You deserve to be taken care of, you deserve to be loved, and you deserve to see how unique and wonderful you are.
​
Somewhere along the way you lost yourself in everyone else’s life, everyone else’s dreams, forgetting that you had dreams once. It is okay to try to find yourself again, and it is okay to ask for help.
The Self-Actualisation Method uses the very things that helped me find myself again; Profound Self-Awareness, Creative Self-Expression, and Radical Self-Acceptance. Understanding yourself deeply and allowing yourself to be expressive and creative again builds self trust and compassion. This is not just self help tips and managing symptoms, this is bodymind work. The connection between what you feel emotionally and what your body feels physically is substantial, when you learn the root causes of perfectionism you can see how they affect not only your thoughts and behaviours but your body too.
The more you get to know yourself, the more permission you give to yourself to be exactly who you are, the less perfect you try to be. When you learn that it is safe to be human, when you see that you are still loved and accepted, it is liberating! You deserve to experience a full life.
Wondering where to start? Take the “What’s your Perfectionist Persona?” quiz to find out how perfectionism shows up in your life and download the free guide for personalised support.
​
If you want to know more about working with me check out my 1:1 coaching programme: Perforating Perfectionism.