I have been reducing the medication that I have been taking for over 10 years. The goal is to no longer take any prescribed medication, drug free in '23!
Yes, it is now '24.
I did a great job in '23 of reducing it down to the most minimum dose I could take daily. I am so unbelievably proud of myself, and yet I am still taking some medication. The impatience I feel about getting off it completely has been driving me forward, through all the withdrawals symptoms I have been facing for well over a month.
I just want it to be over!
A couple of days ago, the pharmacist suggested I take one every other day instead of coming off it completely. This felt like a great next step! Until the first day when I had 0 medication. I couldn't sleep that night, the restless legs, tossing and turning, never truly relaxing my body. I felt much worse the next day! Then I got the fucking flu! OMG I broke down
"This is too hard" I cried, and cried and cried. The salty tears on my face actually making the neuropathic itch much worse (my least favourite side effect).
My sister convinced me to take the tablet last night, even though I wasn't "meant to". She knows me too bloody well and said "This doesn't mean you have failed!"
It felt like a failure to the perfectionist in me that often rears her ugly head, and whilst I am no longer a perfectionist in all areas of my life I felt this sense of self betrayal in taking that tablet.
I needed to rest and ease the pain in my body from the flu. I knew taking the medication would help me and yet Perfectionism stood in my way.
Abandoning myself and my needs just to be doing things the right way according to the plan! This is not what makes you heal chronic illnesses. This is what causes chronic illnesses and anxiety and depression. This is what causes you to feel worthless and lose love for yourself. Perfectionism isn't the answer, it is a HUGE part of the problem!
Sometimes it'll come back around and cause you to feel like you are not moving forward, you are failing, you are doing things incorrectly.
NO!
You are doing exactly what you are meant to be doing. Have faith in yourself and your ability to know what you need in times of struggle. Give yourself love, rest and if you need it medication. But don't lose sight of your goals. Healing is the goal.
Yes, there are ups and downs and it can feel like you aren't going anywhere with it. It can be really difficult at times. Trust that you have got this!
Healing isn't linear and it is always happening.