Who are you?

I went to a sound bath at the end of last year and this question was repeating in my head. I couldn't completely switch off but I felt a sense of calm, like the answer would come if I gave it space.

I am one of the few people who get completely wired after a sound bath, which would be great if I didn't go in the evenings hahaha! So when I got home I began contemplating the question and this is what followed:

"Who the fuck are you?

So much of your life was spent silent, small, people pleasing, being everything for everyone else, trying to fit in, to dim your shine. Compacting yourself in the tiniest of boxes waiting to jump out like a Jack-in-the-box but no one wound you up, no one cared to let you out, no one noticed you were gone. Collecting symptoms of chronic illnesses to give yourself an outlet, a voice, something to shout out and be heard - “I AM FUCKING HERE!!!” But you shushed it, you drugged it, you ignored it, you didn’t cry about it or grieve it or raise your voice in anger, you just got on with it! Not wanting to burden anyone with your problems and too busy being burdened by others to take care of yourself you got sicker and weaker, you lost the tiny part of yourself that you did know.

Who the fuck are you?

Cannot move, walk, sit, eat, sleep, BE. Cannot cry, smile, laugh, shout. Cannot think, pause, breathe. Cannot love yourself enough to change. There is no healing, cure, or medicine, only management protocols that don’t fucking work! So depressed and anxious and scared, living in a heightened fear response, no idea how to calm the fuck down. No idea what you like, what is fun for you, who you even are?

Who the fuck are you?

You are not your collection of limited edition, mint in pack, symptoms! You are not Freeze, Fawn, Flight, or Fight. You are not your mother fucking depression!