1 year sober!!

For 10 and a half years I was on very strong medication! In 2013 I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and costochondritis (plus a whole other bunch of words that were meaningless and "incurable").

I have had chronic pain since I was 3 years old and was being medically gaslit for years.

Finally I had a doctor who believed that I was in pain and he did everything he could to get me this diagnosis, unfortunately that meant that for the "rest of my life" I would be on pain killers, nerve blockers, antidepressants, anti nausea pills because of all the other pills, patches and lidocaine infusions etc...

It was 2021 and my pain management doctor gave me what felt like a 20 minute lecture on why I need to stop taking tramadol. The thing is I knew everything she was saying was right and she is a very kind, compassionate doctor so I listened and I took it on board. I had already stated working with my therapist and coach by this point, and had began my perfectionism recovery. So I was open to change and I had the support, I decided to start coming off the tramadol.

This took approximately a year and a half and then I decided to come off the nerve blockers, which I did and on 26th January 2024 I took my last tablet! I had also stopped drinking alcohol around Christmas 2024 - which was unintentional, my body was no longer accepting of it and the reactions I was having from just one sip were intense. Mind you I have never been a lightweight!!

In celebration of being 1 year sober!! I wanted to share what I have learnt. Hopefully, this can help other people coming off their medication too!

• GO WITH THE FLOW!

  
  

So many things changed for me whilst I was reducing the medication and after becoming completely sober. It was a huge learning curve as I was never one to "go with the flow". As a former perfectionist "the flow" seemed alien!

I never knew how I would feel, or what I would react to, just like not being able to drink alcohol anymore - I had no idea my body would react like that! Each day was a new experience, some days were much worse than others and I had to adapt to the needs of my body and mind.

Pushing myself was out of the question! I had to take care of myself and show myself love and acceptance no matter what I was feeling. I would not have made it through had I not been supporting myself.

See, the thing about perfectionism is there is a lack of love, trust and care for your own wellbeing, as you are prioritising your most fundamental needs of safety and acceptance from everyone around you - this needs to come from yourself first! Once you build up self love it doesn't go anywhere and the more you show yourself patience, compassion and kindness the more you will feel those basic needs are met! So it becomes easier to go with the flow, because you trust that you have got your own back!

Acceptance was key during this time as I needed to accept not only that I felt different everyday, but also that I was becoming a very different person. I had to accept that I needed to take time away from work and stop coaching to really heal and recover.

Having to accept that you are where you are meant to be and not where you want to be is hard! But it becomes more tolerable when you understand that we go through all our experiences to help us to become who we want to be!

I needed that time away from coaching as over the last year I have become an accredited life coach, I had NLP training (neurolinguistic programming) and I worked on my business development when I was able. This has helped me to gain so much clarity and I do feel like a completely different person!

• Dealing with withdrawals is intense!

The withdrawal symptoms I had were, of course, not common at all!

- I AM SPECIAL -

I had terrible itching, it is called neural itching and is caused by the nerves "switching on" and recognising sensations, which was totally new after being on nerve blockers for years! There were no rashes so antihistamines were not going to help.

I could only wear certain clothes; pyjamas that I stole from my mum! Which was great, who doesn't love PJs! Except that I couldn't really leave the house. Also every hour or so I needed to shower and moisturise as it was the only thing calming down the neural itching. It was awful!! Luckily (?) it only lasted for a few months, it was at its worst before I even came off the medication fully.

That was probably the worst side effect for me. Also, I struggled to eat but was super bloated! My skin, hair and nails suffered to begin with, now my nails and hair are super healthy. My hair has been the most affected over the years by the medication so it is so great to have healthy hair again!

My skin is not great still, getting spots and very dry skin as I am still detoxing. Also I am notoriously bad at not picking my spots haha!!

• Sensory overload is exhausting - and so is detoxing!

Detoxing is so exhausting! Yes it is nice to have salt baths and foot soaks, but I felt myself being physically and mentally drained by them. I also did a lot of lymphatic massage, through body brushing or just with my hands. I am now using the gua sha all over my body for this, especially as there is a lot of inflammation in my legs right now.

The most exhausting part of it all, though, was the sensory overload! As I mentioned my nervous system was beginning to switch on. I experienced the same thing after I stopped taking tramadol so I was expecting it. It is overwhelming!

The sensations on my skin were different, everything seemed louder and brighter, my emotions were much more intense! It was all too fucking much! I really struggled with this as there was no escape except when meditating, doing breathwork or restorative yoga in my dimly lit bedroom away from everyone and everything else.

It was isolating to be honest. I had to stop my drum lessons for a while, I didn't go to my art class, I couldn't go for walks because it was so cold! I met with a few friends during this time as they came to visit me, which made me feel loved and less alone.

Holding a conversation was hard and I couldn't focus on one thing, there was so much going on! I am not sure if eventually things stopped being so intense or I got used to it and it became my new normal, perhaps a bit of both!

• Asking for help is so important for your mental health!

I felt so isolated that I was beginning to feel depressed again. Due to all the withdrawal symptoms and overwhelming sensations I didn't leave the house. I live with my parents but they aren't very good at comforting me or just being with me, it didn't make sense to them that I needed them to just sit with me.

After a lot of crying on my part, they finally understood, and then I made them watch Harry Potter, The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings with me!

The problem was I expected them to just know that was what I needed and when I asked and they said no I would accept it without explaining that I needed comfort and connection. I didn't outright ask them for help, for emotional support, and when I did they were there for me.

The thing is, for some people, they don't see it as something the other person really needs and will put their needs first. That doesn't make them bad people, that just means they need more explanation to understand why their help is needed. My parents are not emotionally available and so this was difficult for them.

It was difficult for me to ask too as I felt rejected when they said no, which made me feel more alone and isolated. I am not used to asking them for help, and when I moved back in with my parents due to chronic illness I had to ask for physical help. I had to overcome the discomfort and the feeling of being a burden. So this was another lesson for me, to know that it is okay to need to be emotional connected with people.

It is safe to ask for it and safe to receive it!

• The fears that come with addiction (in my experience)

I worried for a long time about getting addicted to other pain medication, like ibuprofen, so I avoided using anything to ease the pain I was feeling for a really, really long time! Even though ibuprofen is not an addictive substance.

My therapist used to work with addicts and help them through the process, so I was in good hands! She helped me to overcome this fear and recognise that I am in control of what I take. For so many years the medication was in control, my need to escape was stronger than me! That was why I drank a lot! I no longer need that escape though, which in itself was scary, I was changing so much and I had no idea who I was! I spent a long time re-getting to know myself.

I also feared being left out in social situations by not drinking, I thought that I would give in and drink anyway and then feel awful, sick and disappointed in myself. Even though it was not my intention to stop drinking I knew I felt better being sober and I wanted to stick to it. I was also worried that I would be boring now!

I was scared of not being able to handle the withdrawals and the pain! I didn't want to be put back on medication and I was so determined to completely be free of them, but I kept thinking what if I cannot cope?

It has been difficult and I have been experiencing a lot of pain in my legs, but I am finding ways to treat that naturally.

Louise Hay says that pain in the hips and legs has to do with fear of moving forward, or being stuck. I feel like even though I am moving forward I do feel scared. Almost like I will lose myself. There is this pull for me to be bigger, take up more space, use my voice and get out there again. But it has been so long (if ever) that I have felt this free, this much clarity and determination and it can be overwhelming! The ego wants to keep us safe and in the comfort zone, change is scary because we don't know if we will be safe. That is why it is so important to build a strong, safe foundation.

I feel like I know whatever is happening is meant to and this past year of downs and ups have prepared me for what's coming. I have so much more faith in the Universe, God and myself. Learning to go with the flow has allowed me to be grateful for everyday things, like being able to make breakfast myself, or having a mum that will do it for me!

I can feel my energy is different, and so many people have said this to me. I feel light and free and really fucking happy!