As far back as I can remember I always believed, knew even, that reincarnation was real. It wasn’t from religious beliefs or family teachings, I just had this strong sense of knowing it was real. As I grew up this didn’t change but my belief in God did, it varied over time, depending on my mood or circumstance.
Sunset - so much beauty in one picture, is it all "just nature" or is it God's nature? Evidence of a higher power is everywhere if you open up to it!
As a scientist I refused to accept there was a God, I had been through a bad breakup, I saw no “evidence” of God, I was chronically sick, the list went on! So many reasons to reject the spiritual part of me. Deep down though I still felt there was more, that there was something bigger than us all, and maybe we aren’t meant to have hard proof. The evidence is all around us, if we would only be willing to see it. Science explains it all though, so how can there be anything else out there, pulling the metaphorical strings of the Universe (or actual if we agree with String theory).
I never really agreed with religions, the idea of the rules and constraints put on people, especially women, was not what I thought a God would want. My family are Sikh and the religion is based on equality of all people and I truly believe that should be the norm. Yet, I never felt like a Sikh, I didn’t practice the religion, I didn’t follow the rules or go to the Gurdwara. I never felt like it was a part of my identity. I was a Scientist, that is all!!
Then I wasn't. I had to leave my job. I was too sick to work, often bed bound and needed to move back to my parents house. My mum told me to pray to get better, a lot! I would do it to please her (to shut her up!) but my heart wasn’t in it. I still rejected the spiritual part of me. I was a scientist, so how can I believe in God? Even though I knew lots of scientists who were religious/spiritual, I couldn’t admit to myself what my beliefs actually were. Maybe I didn’t have the words to explain it. Maybe I thought it was too out there! Maybe I was being stubborn, how can there be a God when there is so much suffering in the world, in my world?
My altar - Ganesh statue, Guru Nanak's photo, Golden Temple, Candles, Dragon incence burner, Crystals and more crystals, Dried flowers (my maid of honour bouquet), featherrs frojm my parrot, seashells from Goa, essential oils and fairy lights. All these things mean something to me.
I watched a lot of documentaries about space and nature when I was sick. I started to see that science can’t explain it all, even though I knew there were gaps in what we know about the Universe I didn’t let it change my mind about the existence, or lack thereof, of God. But slowly my eyes, my mind, my heart, my consciousness, my soul was waking up, opening up to the reality of my beliefs. Things I always believed and new things that I learnt. I had to use science to make sense of what God could be for me, because I needed to allow myself to believe in it. I felt some shame there. Admitting that I was wrong, or that a scientist can believe in God, and for the years I spent rejecting God. But I worked through that, I allowed myself to investigate my mind and my beliefs.
I became more spiritual, more “hippy”, less sick. It isn’t lost on me that I started to get better once I stopped rejecting a huge part of myself. It isn’t that God was punishing me, I was punishing myself. I didn’t accept myself at all and the more I tried to fit in and be the type of person other people wanted the more lost I was. Finding my way back to myself allowed me to be open to spirituality, to God/Prana/Higher Consciousness, whatever you call it!
Finding and connecting with people who have similar beliefs helped a lot. I never felt pressured by my family to practice our religion but they have always wanted me to believe in God. I feel that my understanding and beliefs run much deeper than theirs now, because I took the time to understand and learn from different sources and people. Sometimes I tell them about the things I believe and they don’t look at me like I am crazy. Because it isn’t crazy to believe that there is something bigger than us, that connects us to each other and all other living things in the Universe (possibly even non-living things). Maybe we aren’t meant to understand it in our human lives! It is too much to comprehend. It is part of our journey, our lessons, to reconnect with each other and the Higher Consciousness flowing in and all around us.
I am still technically a scientist, that won’t change. But I no longer use science as an excuse to reject parts of myself.