Today being Mother's day I have been thinking a lot about how my relationship with my mother has changed, especially over the last year.
We never got along, I was convinced she hated me and tried to convince myself I hated her. She made me feel worthless and imperfect and I tried to dehumanise her in my mind, as a way of separating her from myself.
Suffice it to say this was not the best approach. Of course I love her, she is my mum, she practically raised me on her own, she worked hard and taught me to be the independent woman I am today. She encouraged me to learn and be creative. Yes she was also mean and our relationship was tenuous. But you know what, she is human, I am human and neither of us are perfect!
Throughout my healing journey I have worked a lot on my beliefs about myself, where they came from and how to change them, e.g. I am worthy no matter what anyone else says or how they see me. Yet, mum can spin me right back into feeling like shit so easily. Why is that?
We have all internalised our mothers, we have a part of them in us that can be loud and overpowering. If she made you feel small and worthless this could be all you see. However, you can take back control, through inner child work, reparenting yourself and shedding limiting beliefs. You can be your own person.
The internalised part of your mum will get smaller, become insignificant as you release the emotions that keep you stuck in victim-mode. Being a victim isn't a bad thing, but allowing yourself to remain a victim is.
Mother's day can be a really traumatic time for people who don't have a great relationship with their mum, it can bring up a lot of old feelings that you might want to keep buried, however I recommend letting those feelings out.
Write a letter to your mum, tell her all the things you need to release, tell her how unfair her expectations are, ask her why she treated you that way. Write about specific scenarios that you cannot forget or forgive or even understand. Let it all out and then burn it! Whilst it is burning imagine all of these feelings of anger, powerlessness, unworthiness burning away from you. They no longer serve you and you release them. Show yourself gratitude and kindness for taking the time to do this too. It isn't easy and it is very brave to go back there to all that trauma.
Now remind yourself that your mum is human. Think about her as a person, not a mother who is supposed to be perfect, just a woman. Describe her, what does she like, what is she good at, what is she bad at. No judgements here just pure facts. You may see similarities between you that you never noticed before.
When we expect people to behave a certain way, like a perfect mum or perfect daughter, we aren't allowing them to be human. Whilst no trauma or abuse is acceptable it is important for you to allow yourself the space and time to release all the emotions around it. So that you heal!
Thinking that your mum should be a certain way or shouldn't do this or that is putting so much pressure on the relationship. Accepting yourself for what and who you are involves accepting those around you. Your trauma and experiences with your mum are their for a reason and it is up to you to heal that. Otherwise you will never be able to let it go, you will always expect your mum to be different and you won't be able to appreciate the good.
I do still have little fights with my mum, she can still make me feel angry and like she doesn't care about me, but I can see so much clearer now that she does care and that a lot of what she does comes from her own trauma with her mum. Ancestral trauma passed down through generations of mothers and daughters, neither feeling good enough. You are here to change and heal that!
Mum and I have both put in the work and effort to have a better relationship and this started with me being able to release the inner child wounds I was carrying around. Only then could I soften enough to let her be kind and loving towards me. I was so hurt and defensive that I would push her away and that left me feeling more alone and unworthy of love.
Open yourself up to love from yourself, your mum and all around you. I hope you see how amazing you are x