I'll be happy when...

How many times have you celebrated yourself for your achievements? You probably celebrated your graduation or maybe a getting a job or promotion. Did you feel complete? Did you feel genuinely happy and proud of yourself? How long does that feeling last? How long until you thought "I'll be happy when..." and found a reason to postpone your happiness.

Perfectionism keeps you focused on the next thing, the next goal, the to-do list. It does help you to focus on what you want to achieve and yet it holds you back. It keeps you stuck in the feeling of not being good enough yet. It makes you feel like being happy with what you have now is somehow accepting mediocrity. So how could you possibly celebrate yourself and feel genuinely proud when there is still so much to do?

Focusing on the next thing all the time leads to feelings of unworthiness, unfulfillment, and ungratefulness.

This is how perfectionism leads to anxiety and depression. You cannot see the good things about you as you feel you aren't good enough. You don't feel fulfilled, proud, or accomplished because there is always the next thing, which is the very thing you need to be happy. You tell yourself that if you just get that next promotion, or you earn a certain amount of money, or get that car, that you can be happy, you can take a break.

Yet, the break never comes, the rest you so desperately needs is pushed back again and the next milestone takes precedence. It is never enough.

It is hard to feel grateful when nothing feels like enough.

Perfectionism is keeping you stuck, you are trying so hard to be good enough, be worthy, be successful, yet all you really feel is anxious, overwhelmed, and disappointed. Even after achieving your goal, it just does not feel like enough. That is why the goal keeps moving, that is what keeps you saying "I'll be happy when..." and still not feeling happy.

You don't need to achieve more or have more things to feel happy!

I know that sounds weird and untrue. But it IS true! When you start to focus on what you currently have in your life that you feel grateful for, you start to see how even the smallest things can make you happy.

Gratitude is called a practice for a reason; you actually have to practice feeling it, practice finding things to be grateful for, practice actually saying it or writing it down. You might think just knowing you are grateful for your family, friends, food etc. is enough but when you actively write it down you are reinforcing the feelings of gratitude.

Feeling grateful can actually help you to break free from the hold perfectionism has on you.

When you draw your attention to the good things in your life, even briefly, you start to realise that you don't need to achieve more and have more to be happy. You can feel happy in that moment when you think about what you are grateful for.

When I was beginning my healing journey, I downloaded a gratitude journal app and tried to write at least one thing everyday. It was hard! When you are so deeply feeling unworthy and unfulfilled there is no room for gratitude because everything seems like it sucks! And yes, it probably does suck, but there are still things you can be grateful for. Sometimes I would just write hot showers or the radiator, because chronic pain needs heat! Even though perfectionism made me stick to writing something every day, it was due to feeling guilty, which didn't actually help - but that is a topic for another blog.

You do not have to write three things everyday, you don't even need to write something different each time. But just acknowledging one good thing everyday can really help you to find that moment when you can be happy, you can feel fulfilled, and you can feel worthy. Even if it is just for a moment.

Then on those days when you feel awful, you can read your gratitude journal (which can be a piece of paper, you don't have to go and buy a new journal!) and you can be reminded of the things in your life that bring you joy. It really helps to lift your spirits, to ground you in the reality of your life, instead of pushing you to do more.

Gratitude grounds you in the present moment. Helping you to practice mindfulness and gain awareness of things that matter to you. It can be used to interrupt those moments of rumination, the times when perfection is so loudly telling you you are not good enough or you made a mistake.

Gratitude is compounding, the more you practice it the better you feel, and the more you realise there is to be grateful for.

Gratitude helps you to feel optimistic, as you start to see the good things around you, it is no longer doom and gloom, or all work and no play!

Gratitude leads to feeling good. Feeling like there are things that matter in your life and things to be proud of. Eventually you could start to see things about yourself you are grateful for. When you do, those beliefs of you not being worthy or good enough are tested. You start becoming aware of the good things about you, the good things you have achieved, the good ways you treat people. You start to see good not bad, not imperfect, not flawed.

Feeling good about yourself, even momentarily, opens you up to self acceptance. If you can think of something about yourself to be grateful for, then you have just accepted that part of you. It might not feel like it is doing anything but the more you see yourself as a worthy human being, the more you will begin to help yourself to feel happy, celebrate yourself, feel proud. Most of all, you will no longer want to be controlled by perfectionism.

If you want to learn more about how perfectionism is keeping you stuck, anxious, and unfulfilled check out the quiz: What's your Perfectionist Persona? and download the free personalised guide.